What does someone do when they have no future and a past that hurts so badly that they wish to be lobotomized? I try and cope but I always fail, it gets to be too much and then a great feeling of nihilism barges in and drags me down. I lost my job after I tried to kill myself. I fell in love again... Amanda hates relationships though so it's only a matter of time before I am alone once more. I just sort of pray that I am not as meaningless as I'd like to think I am. Gods I wish there were a way to know how to keep going for more than just another day. My memories wont die... Nor will my current fears... I have a hope to see Ireland in the next year or so and study as a photo journalist under a medal winning photographer named John Cash. I hope I can make it that long. I either want to be known and respected or just a gibbering madman. The latter seems much more likely...